This is a post I didn't imagine I'd be writing for a couple of years. Mostly because there's not a resolution yet. But, every time I felt nervous about posting this, I felt a little voice saying, "open up the conversation." I hope that in me sharing Jackson and I's experience, it'll be further healing for us and others. That it'll make this topic feel less isolating.
Early August of 2019, Jackson and I found out we were expecting! Almost immediately we began telling family and a few friends. We'd both always anticipated becoming parents and we couldn't believe it was actually happening!
The month of August was already a wild one for us. Jackson had a job change and we almost moved to Houston. It felt like the Lord had given us this child to be the good through so much change. Especially for my heart.
A couple of weeks went by until August 30th came. I was out getting a few things for our garden. While driving home I felt very subtle cramping. It seemed like nothing and wasn't the first time this had happened. But this time I just had a feeling. I remember laying my hand on my belly and saying, "Lord, my heart isn't going to be able to take it if we lose this baby. Please give my body what it needs to support this child."
An hour or so later I began to lightly bleed. I immediately called my doctor and they suggested we come in if the bleeding didn't stop. My gut said to go then. Around 10 AM Jackson left work, picked me up and we went. The sweet doctors were reassuring saying the bleed was light and there was a good chance it was nothing! But after a few hours, a few tests and an ultrasound it didn't seem like nothing
Hours went by. Finally, around 4 PM, a second doctor came in. The feel in the room shifted from relatively positive to heavy quickly. He said, "your HCG levels haven't grown much from the last time you were in and we can't find the baby. But there is an area at the front of your tube that has burst and because of those things we believe you've had an ectopic pregnancy."
He went on to say I needed emergency surgery due to the internal bleeding but all I had repeating through my head was, "we can't find the baby." I've found that most women who walk through baby loss have "that" phrase. The one that sticks in your mind and makes it all real. 10 months later, on the hard days, that sentence still brings tears to my eyes.
The surgery went well, we finally made it home around 11 PM and recovery began. The physical recovery was a couple of weeks but there's never a timeline for the emotional one. Friends and family members that helped with it. They each validated how I've felt but also pointed me towards hope and truth. I was told by one of them that grief comes in waves. Some days you're standing at the shoreline and the water just barely touches your toes and others you feel as if you're in the deep end just trying to get a breath in. This was helpful on those really weighty days. I'd remind myself I wont be in the deep forever and I haven't been!
What was really difficult was not finding out until later that even with a miscarriage, you walk through postpartum. I had wondered why it felt like it just lingered so long. Finally a counselor told me that's what it was. Knowing this almost made me feel human again. It helped me have grace for myself.
Emotionally, I've worked through a lot at this point. The one area that I've had fear in is one of my tubes was removed during surgery. I'd be lying if I said I didn't wonder how that's going to affect us in the future. I think there's fear for anyone who's experienced the loss or for those have walked closely to those who've lost. But fear never leads to life!
So why did I say I didn't think I'd be writing this for a couple of years? It's simple. I imagined this post when we already had a baby in our arms. Since our current reality is we didn't bringing home a sweet baby on April 24th. Since we still don't know when it will be our time. And, while we're mostly through it, this has been one of the hardest things both Jackson and I have experienced. It just really doesn't feel good yet. It doesn't seem finished yet. Who enjoys writing about unfinished things?
But, in the same breath I just shared all of that with, I do know there will be a moment when I see all the good that has come out of this. The most beautiful part is I guarantee it will be more than I could imagine.
If you are currently walking through something, my one request is please don't give into the fear and worry or the "what if's." Those emotions have never led to good. Please keep on and don't give up. Know that the feelings of today do not have to determine our tomorrows.
Scripture says we have hope for a future. There are plans to prosper and not to harm! If you find yourself needing hope and comfort today and you're not sure who to turn to. Please rest in that. Feel free to reach out as well! Even if it isn't baby loss, I know that these feelings apply to many disappointments in life. There's so much healing in talking to someone who relates. We are not alone!